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THANKSGIVING TURKEYS
By D. Scott Apel
If you've ever seen the delightful sci-fi comedy flick Earth Girls Are
Easy, then you probably remember comedienne Julie Brown's ode to guys, "I
Like 'Em Big and Dumb." This could easily have been the motto of Hollywood over
the past few years, and certainly for 1997.
Since Thanksgiving is right around the corner, we have the opportunity to cast a
gimlet eye -- or in this case, a giblet eye -- on the worst turkeys released on
tape during the past year. This year's criterion for inclusion is movies that
are "Big and Dumb" -- but we like them not.
The following five films, all of which were released on tape during the past 12
months, were indeed "big," as most hit Number One at the boxoffice or on the
video rental charts, or both. And "dumb" can be defined as anything from
sacrificing plot logic for special effects to insulting the intelligence of the
viewer.
Since this is Thanksgiving, let's consider these five films to be a feast for
the (non)senses, and assign them each an appropriate "dinner role" in a typical
holiday meal, but one gone horribly awry. You might note that four of these five
flicks are sequels to much better films -- the equivalent of a good meal
belching back at you long after it's been enjoyed, leaving one with little but
heartburn.
Finally, if you disagree with any of these choices, content yourself by
remembering that one person's turkey is another's Thanksgiving. Have a
happy holiday!
Appetizer
Escape From L.A. (Paramount; rated R; 1:41). Whatever
possessed director John Carpenter and star Kurt Russell to resurrect a 15-year-
old film and attempt a sequel is anyone's guess. (Mine is "the money.") But
while Escape from New York was a clever satire of action flicks, a
decade and a half later the boys seem to have forgotten to pack a sense of humor
in their survival kit. All we're left with is a collection of random scenes,
none of which displays the ingenuity or irony of the original. Using our food
metaphor, Escape from L.A. made pate of the original, and ended up
just another plastic plate of crudités.
Salad Course
Batman and Robin (Warner; PG-13; 2:05). I believe
Nostradamus predicted that one of the most clearly-defined signs of the immanent
Apocalypse would be the day when Uma Thurman turned in a bad performance. Well,
start stockpiling the bomb shelters, because that day has finally arrived. Arnie
fares no better, saddled with blue makeup, a chrome-domed exoskeleton any
Terminator would mock, and puns so painful that any self-respecting six-year-old
should feel smarter than Mr. Freeze. Far too many other themes, plot lines and
characters are tossed together to make this anything other than a bad salad. And
even though the flick took in over $110 million at the boxoffice, let me state
this opinion very clearly: Joel Schumacher should not be allowed to direct
traffic, much less another big-budget Batman action epic. He did, however,
manage to do something that no other director in this series has done to date,
which is to out-camp and out-dumb the original "Batman" TV series, and make it
look sophisticated by comparison.
Mish-Mashed Potatoes
Dante's Peak (Universal; PG-13; 1:49) and
Volcano (Fox; PG-13; 1:44). Lumped together like mashed
potatoes because they're pretty much the same movie, as the West Coast is
visited by a plague of lava-poppers, and a struggling couple is forced to "feel
the heat." (OK, so maybe "baked potatoes" would be a better metaphor...)
Peak hauled more ashes, while Volcano concentrated on "Lava in
Lalaland," but neither was even warm in its geo-logic. Together, they earned
$114 million in theatrical release, qualifying the similar theme as one big
eruption...of inanity.
Gravy
Daylight (Universal; PG-13; 1:55). Serving up a list
of the year's biggest, dumbest flicks without an entry from Sly Stallone would
be like serving turkey and mashed potatoes without gravy. And Daylight
certainly deserves a spot on this menu of misguided movies. The opening is a
crash course in how to raid the pantry for cardboard characters, and the
cookie-cutter recipe that follows could have been cooked up by a computer. Throw
in a pinch of coincidence and a heaping helping of stunts that would kill any
non-movie human, add water (literally), and you end up with a concoction that is
much like bad gravy: thick (intellectually), lumpy (in its plot and acting),
weak (in its logic) and very difficult to swallow.
The Main Course
The Lost World: Jurassic Park (Universal; PG-13;
2:09). Even though it suffered from a bad case of sequelitis, Lost
World raked in over $225 million in theatrical revenue, making it the most
overstuffed turkey -- and the biggest disappointment -- of the year. And while
the "T.Rex vs. T.Railer" showdown was a cliffhanger, audiences spent the
majority of the movie fighting off not fear but fatigue -- while waiting for
anything to make any sense in the underdone plot. The original film gave the
sensation of a dose of adrenaline, and passed on a sense of wonder; the sequel
gives the same sensation as stuffing ourselves on turkey and trimmings, and
wondering only how long we can last before passing out on the couch from the
overdose of tryptophan.
Dessert
Not all the action epics released on tape during the past 12 months were big and
dumb. So just to take the nasty taste away after feasting our eyes on the above,
a short list of recommended big and smart flicks would include
Breakdown, Men In Black, and The Fifth Element; and in the
"big and dumb fun" category, Mars Attacks and The Long
Kiss Goodnight.
D. Scott Apel is the former video columnist for the
San Jose Mercury News, and is author of the video guide
Killer B's: The 237 Best Movies On Video You've (Probably)
Never Seen.
Previous features:
Die Laughing: 13 flicks guaranteed to
rattle your funny bones.
Film Noir: Build a library of some classic
B-pictures.
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November 24, 1997
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